I Chadivus

It is very hard to write about one's activities and life when one does not truly feel the experience of living what one writes about.  Over probably the last 9 months I have only been able to put down thoughts on a few events or moments plus The Last Gatsby article (because I love that band).  I have wanted to write more and expand on the fictional "real world" I was trying to create, but the pressures of the TRUE real world became overwhelming to my lofty goals of lifestyle and pseudo immortality.

I want to write more now, I want to make the world that could be come alive on the pages of this blog and become a positive history for my children.  However I am realistic enough to realize that is as much a fiction as Howard or Burroughs or Tolkien. The crux is I need to write or else I shall not be able to make it through everything that hits me in a day.  So I am going to try to just write and see what comes of it.

Another realization I have come to is that I am not finding much in new music that I enjoy.  Part of this comes from not researching and listening.  On the other hand an even larger reason is that I have felt nostalgic and melancholy about my past.  I have been searching for music that makes me feel.  "She is all that I have left and music is her name"  is a very real lyric to me for it describes the one constant between both divorces and friends that have come and gone.  The clear harmonies of CSN ring true every time I listen to Southern Cross.

This time of looking back has been unearthed by the realization that it has been 30 years since I started the journey of adulthood.  In that time I have gone from a hopeful naive bumpkin to a jaded cynical bastard.  Hope is not often thought of in my sanctuary.  For the last few months I have been taking care of the black dog and not much more.  So I am starting the blog up to see if I can find a way to chase the dog off and move on.  I am much humbled by any of you who want to join me on my new ramblings.